The Quotable Spankster:

“May I have your name please?” “Uh… Keith.” “Chief?”
“I’m not, I’m not… I’m not, I’m not…“
“It would definitely really sound healthy… nor sanitary… to put a larvae in a bite.”
“I can’t gives you a comment on that. But I can enroll you in this program.“

I really DID have a nasty bout with a boil around the time of this episode. You know, MRSA? The “Super Bug” everyone’s been hearing about? Yeah, well, it ain’t so super, lemme tell ya. Starts as a pimple and then it’s all downhill from there. The difference between MY situation and “Keith’s” is I had mine professionally lanced at a clinic, rather than waiting for the lovely thing to burst on its own.

Wanna talk about pain? Go get a festering boil lanced and squeezed and pinched. Then we’ll talk. (Boy How DEE, did that hurt. An’ I have a low pain tolerance to start with. Seriously. You’d think I was a redhead or something.)

But enough about my daring survival stories… give it a listen already!

Brand Spanking Links: MRSA, Maggot Therapy, More Maggot Therapy, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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The Quotable Spankster:

“Are you between the ages of 18 and 70?”
“Sure, I’m like, 69.” “Oh! Perfect!”
“Ow! That hurts!!!”
“He grabbed my taser.” “Oh! No!”

Yes, this is a shameless attempt to capitalize on the Andrew “Don’t Tase Me, Bro!” Meyer incident of a few months ago. I admit this freely, so don’t bust my chops over it. In a few months the novelty of it all will wear off, but that catchphrase? Well, that’s gonna live on for eternity. (Can’t wait to explain to my grandkids that I was alive when the guy first shrieked it on YouTube. To which they’ll undoubtedly respond, “What’s YouTube!?!” Or, “What’s a taser!?”)

Anyhow, this is another installation what was completely unscripted. It’s not a favorite of mine, but like the others I think it’s still pretty dang funny. TeleSpank isn’t just always about wasting a telemarketer’s time. Sometimes it’s about giving them something to go home and talk about around the dinner table. You know, “How was your day, dear?” an’ stuff like that.

If I get a good opportunity I’ll try another crack at it someday. And I should emphasize that the recurring number theme was NOT intentional! It was the first number under 70 that stuck in my head and I ran with it. That’s it. Case closed. (Seriously. How nasty do you guys think I AM?!?)

Nevermind. Don’t answer that. I don’t wanna know.

Brand Spanking Links: The “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” Video, Wetness Protection, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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The Quotable Spankster:

“You’re scaring me, sir.”
“Can you feel it?” “Probably. Yeah, I guess so.”
“All ghosts are are electrons leftover from somebody’s spirit.”
“Are there ghosts in my computer?”
“An’ there’s four billion trillion electrons in your body.”
“I dropped a remote, but I didn’t drop all three.”

Once more I took an opportunity to call upon the vast depths of telemarketer wisdom and insight. Honestly, who knew that we just recently figured out that each electron holds about 100 gigabytes? Wow. What’s more, this guy really got into it, going so far as to give me a spontaneous lesson in Metaphysical Mumbo Jumbo 101.

What I found hilarious was the fact that even when I was pretty much busted and “the jig was up,” he STILL reassured that whatever ghosts might be in the house can’t hurt me. Now THAT is a thoughtful telemarkter!

Brand Spanking Links: Satellite, Pulse, White Noise, spirits, Computers, iPod Nano, Prank Calls, Pranks, Spanking Telemarketers, TeleSpank.com

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